??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
