if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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