I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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