My liver just broke up with me...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
