I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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