I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
