are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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