Screwed.edu
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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