I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
