Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
