Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
