I intend to get homeless drunk
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
