Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
this is an emotional support booty call
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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