I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
