I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
