The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
