he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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