Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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