i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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