i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize