I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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