I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize