Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
