My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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