and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
