So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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