someone threw a dead crab at me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
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