I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
