I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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