she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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