never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize