Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize