so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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