my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
