Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
