I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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