last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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