where am i from again
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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