Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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