Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
