He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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