my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The ass gains better be worth it
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