I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
