Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we made out on top of his cat.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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