Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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