Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
