I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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