I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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