i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
