please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
