Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
All the doctor said was why
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
