It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
