Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
